Aha, I see you appreciate a good fanny?

Last week I finally went back to my long-suffering GP, and after a lot of rambling (me, not him), I got a referral to be assessed again by a psychiatrist. This wouldn't normally be a humorous event of course, but for the fact that when he awoke his computer to write the referral letter, up popped a Google search for pictures of vaginas. I felt for the poor guy, having endured a bout of my slightly edgy verbal diarrhoea, he was now hastily apologising in a sort of 'I'm saying sorry without acknowledging that you saw that' way for a NSFW style clanger. It's moments like this that stick in my mind for years, the little gems of comedy in otherwise bleak situations. But there's also a sense that in order to properly 'be ill', one must never let out a laugh, or smile, because to do so would be to give the naysayers the satisfaction of saying you were making it up all along. 

I've had many moments of thinking "Maybe I am making this up - am I making this up?", whilst simultaneously washing down a handful of painkillers with a triple vodka, or eyeing a brand new razor blade. This ability to normalise what others would perceive to be completely loopy is how I know my brain works differently. But it can also make me incredibly brave at times. I can get through traumas that would topple even the most robust of characters, seemingly unperturbed. I may be affected subconsciously, but I'll be functional when many wouldn't be. That's not an achievement though - it's just the way it is, and it's actually sort of abnormal. Are you seeing the theme here? I have totally inappropriate reactions. Tears come out of my eyes when people cheer and clap (that's a particularly odd one), but I can't cry when I probably should. Crying feels wrong when it's not attached to an emotion. 

I mentioned achievement - yet another area where I have rather a backwards quirk - I desire to achieve: 'To have a goal is to live!' (No idea if that's a real quote, but it must have been said, statistically speaking) If only I could be aiming for something a little more pointed than starving myself for an entire day, or having a really big bruise somewhere. Occasionally it features a more useful practical thing like cleaning the bathroom with a toothbrush, or building flat pack furniture, but the reward centres in my neural make-up are not quite as responsive to that sadly. Be assured that I will get extremely angry if I do clean the bathroom with said toothbrush and you dare use any of the facilities afterwards and don't leave them exactly as you found them. I don't do this for fun you know. In fact I don't really do anything for fun.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about my enlarged ego, and how being in charge of things is another of my drugs of choice. I bet you're looking forward to that one (but if not just pretend you are, because my ego needs feeding).


Razz said…
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.... and you just gave me one more reason to !!! :)
m4sk22 said…
If I could make beautiful music like your music, my ego would be a supernova.
Liz Clark said…
I KNOW you get through things that would topple others. I witnessed many things. You´re amazing - result of mental health or no, it can be a positive thing - so long as you do deal with said things too.

I´m looking forward to the ego one - but please, try not to be too hard on yourself - although I realise that this may well be part of your illness too!


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